Dependence

"I can’t cope on my own — I need others to handle things for me."

 

2. What is this schema about?

The Dependence / Incompetence schema is the belief that you are unable to handle everyday responsibilities, solve problems, or make decisions without significant help from others. People with this schema often feel overwhelmed by adult tasks or lack confidence in their own abilities.

Even if they appear capable to others, internally they may doubt their competence, avoid responsibility, or seek reassurance excessively. This can create dependency in relationships, chronic self-doubt, or avoidance of situations where independence is required.

 

3. Key Points

• Belief that you are unable to function independently
   

• Reliance on others for decisions, problem-solving, or direction
   

• Fear of failure or falling apart without external support
   

 

4. Why the schema forms

This schema often develops in childhood environments where caregivers were overprotective, controlling, or discouraging of autonomy. The child may not have been given age-appropriate responsibilities or encouragement to make their own choices. It can also form in homes where one parent handled all decision-making or where the child was constantly criticised for trying things on their own.

Unmet needs that shape this schema:

• Encouragement to take age-appropriate risks and responsibilities
   

• Emotional support paired with growing independence
   

• Trust in one’s ability to learn through trial and error
   

• Opportunities to solve problems without being rescued
   

 

💬 Reflection Prompts

• Did your caregivers often step in and take over tasks you could have learned to do?
   

• Were you discouraged or criticised when trying to be independent?
   

• Did you rely heavily on others to solve problems or make decisions for you growing up?
   

• How confident do you feel in your ability to handle life’s challenges today?
   

 

5. Potential impact of schema on the client’s life

• Anxiety about managing tasks such as finances, planning, or organising
   

• Avoiding new responsibilities or challenges out of fear of failure
   

• Relying heavily on partners, friends, or family for decisions
   

• Staying in dependent relationships even when they are unhelpful
   

• Difficulty asserting oneself or trusting personal judgement
   

• Feeling incapable or overwhelmed by adult roles and expectations
   

 

6. Surrender / Avoid / Overcompensate Behaviours

Surrender (Letting the schema in the driver’s seat)

• Relying on others to make important life decisions
   

• Avoiding responsibility by acting helpless or unsure
   

• Becoming dependent on more “competent” people for direction
   

Avoid (Trying to get away from the schema)

• Avoiding situations that require independent thinking
   

• Procrastinating or opting out of adult responsibilities
   

• Distracting yourself from decision-making with passive behaviours
   

Overcompensate (Backflip reactions to the schema)

• Acting overly controlling or rigid to prove competence
   

• Taking on too much, then burning out to avoid asking for help
   

• Refusing to delegate even when it’s appropriate
   

 

7. Way the schema is shown in behaviour

• Asking for frequent reassurance about decisions
   

• Avoiding tasks that require planning, initiative, or follow-through
   

• Letting others take the lead, even when you have ideas or preferences
   

• Overthinking simple decisions due to fear of making a mistake
   

• Staying dependent on others financially, emotionally, or practically
   

 

8. Way the schema is present in thoughts

• “I can’t handle this on my own.”
   

• “What if I mess it up?”
   

• “I need someone smarter/more capable to do this.”
   

• “I’m not good at adulting.”
   

• “Other people know how to do this better than me.”
   

 

9. Potential positive impacts of challenging and changing the impact of the schema in your life

• Increased confidence in managing your own life
   

• Improved decision-making and problem-solving skills
   

• More balanced, reciprocal relationships
   

• Ability to try new things without fear of failure
   

• Stronger self-esteem and trust in your capabilities
   

• Freedom from the need to depend on others for your sense of safety
   

 

10. Healthy adult behavioural challenges to the schema

Behavioural Challenges to the Schema:

• Take responsibility for a task you’d usually delegate
   

• Make a small decision without asking for reassurance
   

• Learn a new skill independently (e.g., budgeting, scheduling)
   

• Break a task into steps and complete it without avoidance
   

• Reflect on what went well instead of what might have gone wrong
   

 

11. Healthy adult thought challenges to the schema

Thought Challenges to the Schema:

• “I can learn and improve — I don’t have to get it perfect.”
   

• “I’ve handled difficult things before, I can do this too.”
   

• “It’s okay to ask for support, but I can take the lead.”
   

• “Confidence comes from trying, not waiting until I feel ready.”
   

• “I’m capable of solving problems and learning from mistakes.”
   

 

12. How changing the schema will help you

As you challenge the Dependence / Incompetence schema, you’ll begin to trust your own judgement and abilities. Life becomes less overwhelming because you stop assuming that you’ll fail and start seeing yourself as capable and resilient.

You’ll feel more confident taking initiative, making decisions, and managing challenges. Relationships become more balanced — less about reliance and more about collaboration. Over time, this shift leads to a stronger sense of independence, self-belief, and freedom to live life on your own terms.