Abandonment - Instability

"People I depend on will leave me — emotionally or physically."

 

2. What is this schema about?

The Abandonment / Instability schema is the belief that close relationships are unreliable — that people you love or depend on will eventually leave, withdraw, or become emotionally unavailable.

This can lead to anxiety, fear of rejection, and difficulty feeling secure, even in stable relationships. You may constantly worry about being left or losing someone’s connection, and may respond by clinging, shutting down, overanalyzing, or pulling away first to protect yourself.

 

3. Key Points

• Fear that others will leave or withdraw emotionally
   

• Belief that relationships are unstable, unpredictable, or unsafe
   

• Difficulty trusting closeness without anxiety or emotional reactivity
   

 

4. Why the schema forms

This schema often develops in childhood environments where caregivers were inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, physically absent, or unpredictable in their care. Events such as divorce, loss, frequent moves, or emotional volatility in the household can create a sense that connection is fleeting or unsafe.

Unmet needs that shape this schema:

• Consistent and reliable emotional presence
   

• Stability and predictability in caregiving
   

• Emotional security and soothing
   

• Reassurance that love can survive distance or disagreement
   

 

💬 Reflection Prompts

• Did you experience parental separation, loss, or inconsistency growing up?
   

• Were your caregivers emotionally dependable and consistent?
   

• Do you expect people to leave — even when there's no sign they will?
   

• How do you typically react when someone close becomes distant?
   

 

5. Potential impact of schema on the client’s life

• Difficulty feeling secure in relationships
   

• Over-dependence on partners or loved ones for emotional safety
   

• Fear of abandonment leading to jealousy or clinginess
   

• Pushing others away before they can leave you
   

• Choosing emotionally unavailable or unstable partners
   

• Constant overthinking, reassurance-seeking, or emotional volatility
   

 

6. Surrender / Avoid / Overcompensate Behaviours

Surrender (Letting the schema in the driver’s seat)

• Clinging to others, even when treated poorly
   

• Staying in relationships out of fear rather than connection
   

• Constantly needing reassurance of love or loyalty
   

Avoid (Trying to get away from the schema)

• Avoiding relationships altogether to protect from hurt
   

• Shutting down emotionally or being distant to feel in control
   

• Ending relationships prematurely out of fear of rejection
   

Overcompensate (Backflip reactions to the schema)

• Becoming controlling or possessive
   

• Testing others’ loyalty through drama, demands, or emotional withdrawal
   

• Pulling away emotionally to punish or pre-empt perceived abandonment
   

 

7. Way the schema is shown in behaviour

• Repeatedly checking in or needing reassurance from loved ones
   

• Becoming anxious or upset when someone is emotionally or physically unavailable
   

• Avoiding intimacy or detaching early to protect from being hurt
   

• Reacting strongly to perceived signs of disconnection (e.g. delays in response)
   

 

8. Way the schema is present in thoughts

• “They’re going to leave me.”
   

• “People always walk away eventually.”
   

• “If I get too close, I’ll be abandoned.”
   

• “I can’t handle being alone.”
   

• “I always care more than they do.”
   

 

9. Potential positive impacts of challenging and changing the impact of the schema in your life

• A sense of emotional safety and calm in relationships
   

• Trusting that others can stay, even through distance or disagreement
   

• Choosing stable, emotionally present people to connect with
   

• Reduced anxiety and emotional volatility in close relationships
   

• Feeling more in control of your emotions and less reactive
   

• Growing internal security, reducing the need for external reassurance
   

 

10. Healthy adult behavioural challenges to the schema

Behavioural Challenges to the Schema:

• Give loved ones space without immediately panicking or assuming rejection
   

• Delay reactions to perceived disconnection (e.g. wait before texting back)
   

• Practice staying open during times of emotional distance or tension
   

• Create self-soothing routines for when you feel anxious or alone
   

• Choose emotional closeness based on values, not fear of abandonment
   

 

11. Healthy adult thought challenges to the schema

Thought Challenges to the Schema:

• “I can be okay even if someone is distant right now.”
   

• “Not everyone leaves — some people are consistent and stay.”
   

• “My feelings are valid, but they don’t mean danger is real.”
   

• “I don’t have to earn love by holding on tightly — I am already enough.”
   

• “It’s safe to need others and also tolerate space.”
   

 

12. How changing the schema will help you

Challenging this schema helps you move from fear-based connection to secure, mutual intimacy. You’ll begin to feel safe in relationships — not because others never leave, but because you trust your ability to stay grounded and loved even when emotions shift.

You’ll no longer need to cling, chase, or retreat. Instead, your relationships will be built on trust, not fear; stability, not unpredictability. This opens the door to emotional closeness, autonomy, and confidence in both yourself and those you love.