Approval Seeking
"I must be liked or admired to be okay."
2. What is this schema about?
This schema involves placing excessive importance on gaining approval, praise, or status from others — often at the expense of authenticity, personal goals, or emotional needs.
You may base your self-worth on how others perceive you, and fear rejection or criticism deeply. Even when successful, you may feel empty or disconnected from your real self.
3. Key Points
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Focus on external validation over internal values
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Fear of rejection or being disliked
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Disconnection from personal needs, emotions, or identity
4. Why the schema forms
This schema often forms in environments where love, attention, or worth were conditional on appearance, achievement, or behaviour. The child learns to be “good,” impressive, or pleasing to avoid shame or win approval.
Unmet needs that shape this schema:
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Unconditional acceptance and emotional attunement
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Validation of authenticity and individuality
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Permission to explore identity without pressure to perform
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Support for emotional expression beyond success
💬 Reflection Prompts
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Were you often praised for achievement more than for being yourself?
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Did you feel pressure to please or perform to gain love?
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Do you shape your identity around what others want or expect?
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Is it hard to know what you truly value or want?
5. Potential impact of schema on the client’s life
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Constant need for reassurance or approval
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Difficulty saying no or disappointing others
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Feeling like a “chameleon” in different social settings
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Chronic anxiety, imposter syndrome, or emotional exhaustion
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Shallow or unsatisfying relationships
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Suppression of authentic self-expression
6. Surrender / Avoid / Overcompensate Behaviours
Surrender
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Adapting your personality to fit in
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Avoiding authenticity for fear of disapproval
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Prioritising status, looks, or achievements over values
Avoid
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Avoiding risk of rejection by staying invisible
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Not expressing true opinions or needs
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Steering away from situations where you might be judged
Overcompensate
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Bragging, self-promotion, or perfectionism to win praise
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Chasing superficial success to gain respect
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Judging others to feel superior
7. Way the schema is shown in behaviour
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Overcommitting to please others
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Changing appearance, speech, or behaviour to fit in
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Constantly seeking praise, reassurance, or attention
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Avoiding conflict at all costs
8. Way the schema is present in thoughts
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“I need to impress them or they’ll lose interest.”
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“If they don’t like me, I’m nothing.”
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“Being accepted is more important than being honest.”
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“I have to hide who I really am.”
9. Potential positive impacts of challenging and changing the impact of the schema in your life
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More stable self-esteem based on inner values
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Greater confidence to show up authentically
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Deeper, more meaningful relationships
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Freedom from performance pressure
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Emotional clarity and purpose-driven living
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Improved resilience to criticism or disapproval
10. Healthy adult behavioural challenges to the schema
Behavioural Challenges to the Schema:
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Share an opinion that may be unpopular but true to you
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Let go of a task or role done solely for praise
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Wear or do something that reflects your real preferences
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Practise self-affirmation before seeking external reassurance
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Accept a moment of disapproval without changing yourself
11. Healthy adult thought challenges to the schema
Thought Challenges to the Schema:
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“I don’t need to earn approval to be worthy.”
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“I can be liked and still disagree.”
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“My value comes from who I am — not how I’m seen.”
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“Authenticity is more important than popularity.”
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“I can handle rejection and still respect myself.”
12. How changing the schema will help you
You begin to live in alignment with your true self — no longer driven by the exhausting need to impress or fit in. You’ll discover more peace, purpose, and clarity in your relationships and choices.
Validation becomes internal, and connection becomes real — not based on performance, but on authenticity.